I lived for our holidays. It was the only time I even vaguely got the man I married back. Unlike a lot of other Christians we never went to church on our holiday. My in-laws just assumed we did and would never have understood why we wouldn't. I was grateful for that break on a Sunday morning but avoided the conversation with his parents or sisters. I never questioned the church thing but what I was confused by was the fact that he was happy to buy lottery tickets on holiday but not at home. I bought them sometimes anyway because I had no problem with it. A lot of Christians don't like the lottery as it is a form of gambling and so my husband didn't usually get them. It was the two-faced stuff that confused me - why was it ok on holiday but not in our home town where he'd be seen?! I much preferred the husband I had on those early holidays to the husband at home, he relaxed and was much less stuffy.

My next knock-back was when the local NCT group were advertising for somebody to train as an antenatal teacher. I was really keen as it was something I could do whilst still being a full-time mum. I could get my brain working again, gain another interest, meet more people and earn a bit of money. Having given up my teaching degree I thought it was ideal for me. I told my husband I'd really love to go for it and his response? - "You'll never do it. You won't stick with it." If I'd had more confidence and he hadn't trained me so well not to swear at him I'd have told him then and there exactly what I thought of him. But actually I was so shocked he could damn me so hard without even talking it through I was speechless. As it happens I went for it anyway, and I did well at it and I absolutely loved it.

During the training, which consisted of one day a month at the tutor's house and about 4 study days a year, I constantly heard from the other trainees how fantastic their husbands were in supporting them and how they couldn't have done it without them. Most husbands took time off work to look after the children to help their wives fulfill their training. And my husband who worked from home anyway? Nope. I could only go to the training days if I'd organised childcare - either my mum coming across or a friend. I felt sick and disappointed to the core really. I felt he didn't take anything I wanted to do seriously at all. But damn him I was good at it.

Was I lonely? You bet.