When our second daughter was 6 months old my sister needed an emergency caesarian as her 30 week baby had stopped growing. There was only myself and my sister in my family and I had two girls as well, so when she had a boy we were all elated. He was only 2lbs but we had no reason to think he wouldn't grow once he was born and in safe hands. But we were wrong. He had a rare liver disease. He didn't grow. He turned an awful brown colour and despite excellent care and treatment at Kings he died aged only 15 weeks. That was just a nightmare for us all. My husband and I became closer again for a while - I think you do when you have an emotional trauma to talk about. But I began to realise that my husband actually liked it when I was sad; he liked me crying! He always said I looked beautiful after I'd had a big crying session, when actually I looked like a sunburnt prune! I know what it was - he liked being stronger than me and comforting me, he actually got a kick out of me sobbing in his arms. They were the arms I wanted to be in at the time but I did start to think it was a bit weird just how enthusiastic he was about me being sad.
We're a close family and we were all knocked sideways by Samuel's death. I couldn't even begin to understand why this God who was supposed to be loving and caring could allow it, what had we done wrong? I was very cross with God but was told by vicar husband that "we cannot understand everything now but God does have a plan that explains all things and when we get to heaven all will be revealed." Well I'm sorry but whatever plan God has the price was just way too high. Haven't you noticed how Christians have a marvellous knack of explaining any situation, good or bad, by calling it 'God's plan'?!!
My sister was pregnant again soon after and we were convinced the same thing couldn't happen again - that it had been a freak one-off chance. So when she was taken into hospital at 33 weeks with the same problem (the baby had stopped growing due to reduced flow through the umbilical cord) it was just too much to believe. She had a 3lb 10oz girl this time, again by emergency caesarian, but thankfully, despite some scares along the way, she did grow and begin to thrive. She is now a very healthy beautiful teenager.
I was at this time becoming even less happy in my marriage. I felt a long way from my family and real friends and was incredibly lonely. Husband worked nearly every evening, every weekend (vicar's do need to I do realise!) but when he wasn't working he seemed to do anything except enjoy time with me. The computer era had arrived - BIG BIG trouble for us. The church bought him a computer and that was it, the slippery slide to our downfall. It began immediately - if I asked him to come out of the study and spend some time with me he would say he had to learn the computer. It was the way forward he said, he could store all the church records on this marvellous machine and that would save time in the long run but in the meantime it would take a bit of effort to put all the details onto it. And so I would walk away, dismissed yet again.
